I always wondered what today, my last encounter with cadavers, would be like. In the weeks leading up to PT school, I would have told you that I was most likely never going to see this day, that I would give in to my fears and find something else to do besides becoming what I had wanted to be for so long. After my first semester, I would have said that I’d probably bust through the door and collapse on the floor, feeling as if I had finished marathon. It was going to be the greatest feeling in the world.
I took a moment today, as I rotated from cadaver to cadaver in my final to fully embrace where I was at and how far I had come. It has been so long since my panic disorder and I’ve come so far with cadavers that I hardly remember just how absolutely terrified I was a couple years ago. Still, a part of me felt that I owed it to my past self to reflect on the journey. And for a split second, I thought I felt my eyes tear up a bit. The feeling quickly went away.
One of the things that I’m the most thankful for is that I got to dissect in the same lab that I saw the bodies in the first time. Our program is moving to a new building with a new cadaver lab and I really did not feel like starting over at a new place. Just getting into that room at the start of the program was a huge accomplishment for me. Some big steps were taken there and I was really appreciative of the fact that I was going to finish where I had started.
As I hung up my coat in the little area that I had originally called “the safe side of the curtain”, I took one last little glance back into the room. It’s really over. And then I walked out the doors. And while I did not fall to the ground, I did pause to listen to the door close behind me. So symbolic. It not only marked the end of cadaver lab, but also the official closing of a rather long chapter in my life.
If there is anything that I have learned from all of this, it’s that so much awaits you on the other side of your fears. Walking into cadaver lab the first day and facing my biggest fear was a game changer. As ridiculous as it sounds, who I am and where I am at today would not be had I given up that first week. I doubt I would have overcome my panic disorder. Only when I faced the cadavers did I stop panicking. I would have never gotten my cat (and I love this little butt head, so yes, he’s a big deal!). I wouldn’t have gone swing dancing with my classmates because I would have never really met them. Now, my closest friends are swing dancers. I’ve done more exciting things/events in the last year and a half than ever before because of swing dancing. I dance every week (maybe even last night…Yes, I had a final this morning…. 🙂 ). And I would have never met my boyfriend…and man, I love that guy…I’m moving in with him! :O ! Most importantly, I would have never grown into the much stronger person that I am today…the person that now truly believes that anything is possible.
So when things get hard, maybe it is just the Universe’s way of seeing how badly you want what is on the other side. You might not even know what is on the other side. I didn’t. But whatever it is, it’s worth it. Wherever you are in your life, whatever challenge you are now facing, keep fighting and moving forward. You’ll hear that door close behind you soon enough.
The Life of a DPT Student 
Hi! I’m a sophmore in highschool and i’ve decided that i’d like to be a physician specializing in pediatrics. I’ll be going to an Anatomy and Physiology camp next summer that has a (you guessed it) cadaver lab that all campers are expected to participate in. I’ve always had a fear of dead bodies, i’ve been trying to get past it for the past year or so. Unfortunately I don’t have any cadavers on hand so I can desensitize myself from the comfort of my own home so I had to search for other options, which is how I came across your blog. Just reading your very first cadaver post gave me chills and got my pulse pumping, but reading through the entire “Cadaver Saga” has given me hope! I know i’ll be reading through the entire anxiety tab every night at camp. Besides that your blog is an amazing first person view into something I can dream about doing now, thank you so so so much.
Alexia,
You have no idea how happy your comment has made me! 🙂 I told myself, when I was having panic attacks before starting PT school, that if I could use my fears to help at least one person out, it would be worth all the hard times. So thank YOU for the very sweet comment.
I would definitely say that I was on the very extreme end of fearing cadavers and now they don’t bother me one bit. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you’ll be fine and feel the same way too.
When it is time to go into the lab, I recommend doing it the way I did it…baby steps. Just hang back until you feel yourself calm down a little and then move forward as you see fit. There’s no rush. Do what is comfortable for you. You might surprise yourself and jump right in! But again, there is NO rush!
Just remember, you are a whole year away from next summer so don’t start stressing out about anything yet. That was my mistake. So please, enjoy everything that is to come this year and don’t let a fear that you will totally overcome in the future get in the way of everything that is so great in your present.
If you have any questions or are in need of a pep talk, feel free to contact me at cadaverhelp@yahoo.com 🙂
Best of luck to you! You’re going to do GREAT!
Candice