Today I Left Behind My Former Biggest Fear: Cadaver Lab

I always wondered what today, my last encounter with cadavers, would be like. In the weeks leading up to PT school, I would have told you that I was most likely never going to see this day, that I would give in to my fears and find something else to do besides becoming what I had wanted to be for so long. After my first semester, I would have said that I’d probably bust through the door and collapse on the floor, feeling as if I had finished marathon. It was going to be the greatest feeling in the world.

I took a moment today, as I rotated from cadaver to cadaver in my final to fully embrace where I was at and how far I had come. It has been so long since my panic disorder and I’ve come so far with cadavers that I hardly remember just how absolutely terrified I was a couple years ago. Still, a part of me felt that I owed it to my past self to reflect on the journey. And for a split second, I thought I felt my eyes tear up a bit. The feeling quickly went away.

One of the things that I’m the most thankful for is that I got to dissect in the same lab that I saw the bodies in the first time. Our program is moving to a new building with a new cadaver lab and I really did not feel like starting over at a new place. Just getting into that room at the start of the program was a huge accomplishment for me. Some big steps were taken there and I was really appreciative of the fact that I was going to finish where I had started.

As I hung up my coat in the little area that I had originally called “the safe side of the curtain”, I took one last little glance back into the room. It’s really over. And then I walked out the doors. And while I did not fall to the ground, I did pause to listen to the door close behind me. So symbolic. It not only marked the end of cadaver lab, but also the official closing of a rather long chapter in my life.

If there is anything that I have learned from all of this, it’s that so much awaits you on the other side of your fears. Walking into cadaver lab the first day and facing my biggest fear was a game changer. As ridiculous as it sounds, who I am and where I am at today would not be had I given up that first week. I doubt I would have overcome my panic disorder. Only when I faced the cadavers did I stop panicking. I would have never gotten my cat (and I love this little butt head, so yes, he’s a big deal!). I wouldn’t have gone swing dancing with my classmates because I would have never really met them. Now, my closest friends are swing dancers. I’ve done more exciting things/events in the last year and a half than ever before because of swing dancing. I dance every week (maybe even last night…Yes, I had a final this morning…. 🙂 ). And I would have never met my boyfriend…and man, I love that guy…I’m moving in with him! :O ! Most importantly, I would have never grown into the much stronger person that I am today…the person that now truly believes that anything is possible.

So when things get hard, maybe it is just the Universe’s way of seeing how badly you want what is on the other side. You might not even know what is on the other side. I didn’t. But whatever it is, it’s worth it. Wherever you are in your life, whatever challenge you are now facing, keep fighting and moving forward. You’ll hear that door close behind you soon enough.

The Cadaver Lab Experience: Flesh and Bone

 

“They say I’ll adjust
God knows I must
But I’m not sure how
This natural selection picked me out to be
A dark horse running in a fantasy”

This quote from a song by the Killers, which is ironically named “Flesh and Bone”, can pretty much sum up the beginning of my cadaver lab experience.  Everyone will tell you that once you get into the lab you’ll be fine…you’ll adjust.  For me, I had to…but how? How was the girl who couldn’t even look down the hall at the closed door of the cadaver lab going to go in and identify things? I had a much longer road ahead of me than most everybody else. I was the dark horse.  I was the most unlikely to succeed.  

“Somewhere outside that finish line
I square up and break through the chains
And I hit like a raging bull
Anointed by the blood, I take the reins
Cut from the cloth, of a flag that
Bears the name of ‘Battle Born’
They’ll call me the contender”

Slowly, but surely, I took control of the situation.  I fought back.  Some days were easier than others.  Some days were just plain hard (see Cadaver Labs #1 and #8 posts). But no matter what the day was like, I never left the room until the lab was over.  I faced the fear…I never ran away from it.  After a while, I finally broke through the fear.  I was finally winning. Not only that, but I was maintaining a very solid A.  I wasn’t just the girl with a huge fear of cadavers anymore.  I was actually somebody who really knew their stuff!

“What are you afraid of?
And what are you made of?
Flesh and bone”

After a while, I started thinking…what is it about lab that I’m afraid of?  Isn’t it funny…the thing that I fear most is that which makes up who I am?  Flesh and bone.  That’s all we are.  Well, there are other things, but you get my point.  Flesh and bone.  And what about that is scary?  It’s human.  It’s normal.  It won’t jump up and attack you.

I guess the real fear is the unknown.  We all know we have these things inside of us but we don’t know what it all looks like.  If we were all born with our guts hanging out, that would be our new “normal”.  We wouldn’t fear something we see everyday.  In fact, we’d probably be really disturbed by somebody who didn’t have their guts hanging out.  It’s all about perspective.

There’s another fear that comes into play: the fear of death.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t spend my life thinking about death.  Have you ever really thought about it? It’s scary when you do.  It’s a fact…one day you will die.  And just about as soon as that thought really hits you, it’s gone.  It’s a gift.  We have this wonderful ability to happily live our lives in spite of knowing the end result.

The thought of death hits you hard when you’re staring at a cadaver…a body that once held a life.  It’s as if you suddenly realize what death truly means.  I’ve heard a lot of people say that cadavers don’t look like living people and that they’re just homes for souls.  I was only looking at cadavers that were already dissected (I’ll be dissecting the summer of 2014) so I can’t say what a non-dissected cadaver looks like.  

What I can say is that what remains really is just a home.  You never get the feeling that a person is lying on the table.  A cadaver isn’t a person.  The person left a long time ago. And as scary as it is to literally look death in the face, it’s comforting to know that these people have moved on.  I’m not a very religious person, but  I always got the feeling that they’ve moved on to something even better.

“You always had it, but you never knew”

Such a simple little line of the song that you hardly even notice it at the end and yet it means so much to me.

I really did always have “it”.  But what is this “it” I talk about? 

It’s what made me commit to physical therapy despite knowing I’d most likely have to face my fear.

It’s what made me choose the school I chose despite knowing that I would HAVE to face my fear.

It’s what kept me in the program the first week despite hearing I’d be facing my fear in two days.

It’s what got me to walk into the hall near the room that housed my fear.

It’s what got me to stand outside the door that blocked fear.

It’s what got me to class the morning of the first day I’d be meeting my fear.

It’s what got me to “safe” side of the curtain in the room of my fear.

It’s what made me tell the TA “I won’t let myself fall behind” despite not knowing if I’d even be able to get into the room.

It’s what pushed me to the other side of the curtain after I broke down and cried because I didn’t think that I could do it.

It’s what made me move closer and closer to the bodies until I was close enough to identify things.

It’s what drove me to start touching nerves and muscles.

It’s what kept me in the room the whole class period.

It’s what got me to go in ADDITIONAL days.

It’s what kept me true to my word…I didn’t fall behind…I never once got below an A on any of my tests.

 

I always had “it”. I always had this thing inside of myself that pushed me further.  I was absolutely scared out of my freaking mind about cadaver lab!!! But something kept moving me forward despite that fear.  I could have backed out at any one of those points I listed above and the fear would have been gone for good. But I didn’t…I just kept moving forward until I was so deep into the fear that there was nothing left to do but to no longer fear it. 

 

So yes.

I always had it.

I just never knew.

But you know what?

 

I now know 🙂

 

 

My First Semester of PT School

Nothing about this semester went as I had planned. Let’s rewind a little bit now, shall we?

My last semester of undergrad proved to be more challenging than any semester before, and it wasn’t because of the classes I was taking.  I had gotten into my top choice for PT schools and was only taking 2 classes, both with labs.  It should have been an easy semester.  All I had to do was PASS the classes.  But I had a cat to dissect and a deep fear that I might drop the ball and somehow NOT pass a class.  It was very unlikely that I, who had never fallen below a B and who had a 3.81 GPA, would drop the ball THAT badly.  There was also a much bigger something I was struggling to come to terms with; I was going to be seeing a dead body soon.  How soon?  I didn’t know, but the fear of it all became too much for me.

And so my panic disorder was born.  It was the scariest thing to have ever happened to me, and the most challenging thing for me to overcome.  Just passing classes started to seem impossible.  How was I supposed to pass a class when I didn’t feel like I could even go in to take the test? But I somehow pulled through and survived the end of the semester with A’s in everything except for physics lab.

The summer before PT school I…1.) had been looking for a condo to live in 2.) was planning to get a dog to live in the condo I was hoping to find 3.) was a meat eater 4.) had a boyfriend of 1 year 5.) was stoked to be taking biomechanics in my first semester of PT school 6.) had a huge fear of dead people and 7.) had a panic disorder.

But like I said…nothing about this semester went as I had expected.

The Condo

The condo thing never worked out.  My family put down offers on at least 5 condos and came up with nothing.  It was disappointing.  I was really hoping to live in this one area and it would have saved my family money, in the end, to have something that we could at least sell back, but time was running out and I had to settle for an apartment.

Buuuuuut…..the apartment I ended up in is absolutely amazing! It would have taken me at least 10 minutes to get to school from the condo, but only 5 minutes from the apartment. I love where I live and I must say, I couldn’t be more thankful to be where I’m at.  Also, it turns out our PT building may be moving to another location, so it’s better that I ended up in an apartment anyway!

The Dog

Well, you can’t have dogs at my apartment complex.  And I just don’t think I could have brought myself to get a dog anyway.  I have a dog at home who I know would be super jealous if I had another dog.  And so the dream of  having a little friend to come home to was starting to slip away

Buuuuut….my boyfriend gave me a cat this semester.  I’ve never been much of a cat person.  It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I love dogs.  Well, I freaking love my cat!  I know, I sound like a crazy cat lady.  Honestly, though, I think my cat is awesome and I can’t imagine life without the little doofus.  Don’t worry, I’m only sticking to one! 🙂

The Meat Eating

I was the girl who loved a good cheeseburger.  I never understood why two of my sisters were vegetarian.  I loved meat waaay too much to understand.

Buuuut….in the summer I took up vegetarianism.  I’m a big animal person AND I think the whole thought of looking at cadavers influenced my decision to give up meat for a while. I wasn’t sure how long it would last, but I went through all of this semester without ever eating meat! Strange.

The Boyfriend

I had a great boyfriend who was so supportive of me and my whole panic disorder.  For a while there, I truly believed he was the one.  

Buuuut…..in the summer, we hit a rough patch and almost broke up.  I thought things would change but they never did.  That, combined with some pretty hefty cultural and religious issues on his side, eventually caused the relationship to end.  And you wouldn’t believe when! Yes, we broke up a week before my finals…while I was at school studying biomechanics with my friends! But it’s okay! I’m not one of those people to get all emotional about a breakup, especially when it is for the better.  In fact, I hung up with him and walked back into school to continue studying.  Weird, right?  Not to me.  If it isn’t meant to be, it isn’t meant to be.  You aren’t going to get anywhere by moping around about it.  And the relationship was never going to make it…I never fit into his culture, and I never felt that the culture really wanted me to fit in anyway. I guess, in the end, I was disappointed in him more than anything else.  I never felt that I got from the relationship what I put into it and what’s worse is that he’d admit that on several occasions and then do nothing about it. So yes, I’m fine! And my studying for finals wasn’t messed up in any way!

What’s most important for you all to know is that…PT SCHOOL DID NOT BREAK ME AND MY BOYFRIEND UP! I’m sure a lot of people get nervous about whether or not their relationship can survive PT school.  This had nothing to do with me not having enough time.  Actually, in the end, he had hardly any time for me! 

Biomechanics

I loved biomechanics in undergrad! It was one of my favorite classes that I had taken so I was really looking forward to having it again in my first semester of PT school.

Buuuut….I found it pretty boring in PT school.  The first half of the semester was spent on boring instrumentation things and the second half had more to do with our own presentations than anything else.  We did talk about gait which was fun, but we didn’t spend a whole lot of time on it.  So was I surprised to hear that the whole class sucked on the final? No.  I got a C on it.  I can’t even remember the last time I got a C on a test.  But it’s okay, I wound up with a B+ and all that really matters is that I didn’t end up on probation!

My favorite class of the semester was anatomy.  Anatomy is a bitch.  There’s so much to remember and not enough time to remember it all in.  But I loved it! 🙂

The Fear

So I was extremely terrified of dead people at the start of the semester.  I couldn’t even look down the hall at the door that led to the room that the dead people were in.

Buuuut….I overcame that fear, slowly but surely!  I don’t enjoy going in to see the dead people, but once I’m there, I really do appreciate the opportunity we have to see inside the human body.  So much of what I have learned this semester will always stick with me, all thanks to the cadavers.  Things make so much more sense when you see them in real life than when you see them in a book.  But…more on that in another post 🙂

The Panic Disorder

Like I said at the beginning, I had a panic disorder.  I was terrified that what happened to me in my last semester of undergrad would happen to me in PT school.  Why wouldn’t it?  Isn’t PT school a lot bigger and scarier than undergrad? 

Buuuut…I didn’t have a single panic attack this semester.  I repeat…I DID NOT HAVE A SINGLE PANIC ATTACK THIS SEMESTER! So for all of you who are struggling with something similar, hang in there! There were days where I wanted to give up and just spend the rest of my life sitting in my apartment hiding away from panic provoking situations.  But I didn’t do that…and look at what has happened! 

 

 

 

So yea, not the typical semester…not the typical FIRST semester for a PT student, but everything worked out for the better. I’m so happy to be where I’m at. I don’t have any regrets and I’m so proud of the person that this first semester of PT school has shaped me to be. I have learned so much and I have made so many awesome friends. I’m looking forward to where the next few years take me! One semester down…8 more to go!!!

Cadaver Lab #14: Leaving the Fear Behind

You wouldn’t believe the day I had last Friday.  I hardly believe the day I had last Friday.

I remember writing a few weeks ago, prior to the face lab, about how I don’t understand why I can’t just walk into lab and not freak out like everybody else.  I went to the lab, saw the face, went back into lab another time and spent 3 hours there (I even had the urge to grab the foot when I was trying to tell another classmate about the layers of the foot), took a lab midterm and then, finally, started to feel a little more like a “normal” PT student in lab.  I considered not even taking xanax last week, but decided to take it anyway, just in case.  My rule I made for myself has always been that I can take it for class, but I can’t take it for any labs I go to for practice tests or studying.

So Friday…I just gave up the xanax altogether.  I was a little nervous about it. I just don’t want to freak out and miss class. BUT I figured if I could go into lab for 3 hours without it, I could go into lab without it again.  I told my friends as we were walking into the cadaver lab that I hadn’t taken xanax.  They were all very happy for me.  

We walked in and started looking at the brachial plexus.  Now let me tell you, the brachial plexus is a crazy mess.  There’s so much going on! It is absolutely amazing how awesome the human body is!  Well, the very thing that makes the brachial plexus so cool is what also makes it soooo hard to see in the body….there’s just too much going on!

So after looking at a couple of bodies with my 4 friends, I did what nobody had ever thought I would do.  “Aw, screw it!  I can’t see anything!! I need to touch it!” I said, as I reached toward the cadaver and pulled the “M” shape of the brachial plexus apart to make it easier to see.  Curiosity took over.  No bad thoughts crossed my mind.  All I could think about was what the nerves might be and…how awfully quiet my 4 friends had suddenly become.  Silence.  I knew what they were thinking…Don’t say ANYTHING or we’ll scare it away!!! At one point I caught a glimpse of my friend to my right giggle and then look over at my other friend and smile.  My other friend giggled back but neither of them said a word.

We moved on to the next body.  Same thing.  I was separating out nerves like it was something I’ve done all my life.  I felt awkward.  Everybody kept quiet about what they were seeing and just stuck to identifying nerves.  I knew everyone was watching me and wondering what the hell was going on.  It was as if a switch had finally been flipped.  I wasn’t fazed at all by what I was doing.  It felt normal. There was no hesitation…I just did what any other student would do.

Finally somebody spoke up.  “You’re doing really well!” my friend said, to which my other friend replied, “OH MY GOSH!!! YOU’RE NOT EVEN ON XANAX!!!”  “I think it’s been holding me back!” I laughed.  

We moved on to another station that covered muscles.  The rotator cuff muscles looked awesome!  Teres major, however, looked much thicker than I would have anticipated.  I wanted to reach out to touch it, but felt a little self-conscious.  My friends were still watching and my professor was walking by. I felt like everybody was probably thinking I had been faking it all this time.  How could somebody be SO opposed to doing something and then one day just do it and be totally fine about it? 

I guess it’s been in me all of this time.  It’s what got me through the door the first day and what has carried me forward ever since.  It’s been overshadowed by anxiety; buried by fear and doubt.  It was there with my big steps forward, and overlooked in few slips backward.  But I kept at it.  Even when the face lab seemed to bring me back to my very first lab experience, I still pushed myself.  I never once forced myself to do anything too fast.  Yes, I did things that made me uncomfortable and that I didn’t necessarily want to do, but I allowed myself the opportunity to back out and found that I always managed to ease my way in.  I was who I was…the girl who cried in lab…twice!  I didn’t try to fight it.  I accepted it.  I never went into lab pretending to be anything other than myself.  I was open and honest with my professors and classmates which took a lot of pressure off of myself in the lab.  These last few weeks I’ve felt that I could possibly touch things, but didn’t push the feeling.  I waited.  I waited until I absolutely couldn’t take it anymore so much so that I couldn’t even comprehend what I was doing anymore.  

So this person that showed up to cadaver lab #14 wasn’t some fluke.  It was a person that took months to shape.  A person I never thought I could be.  Funny how some of our biggest obstacles, frustrations and fears can be the very things that influence the better person we’re becoming.

I’ve learned so much through this experience, not just about anatomy, but about myself.  I didn’t think I could ever get to this point…I didn’t even think I could get through the door!  But I somehow did.  We all have our fears for one reason or another.  It’s up to us to find out why we have those fears and what we can do to overcome them.  Facing your fears for the first time may not make it go away completely.  Sometimes it takes time…take me for example!  But with persistence, you one day realize just how tired you are of being afraid and, with that, you leave the fear behind forever.

Cadaver Labs #10 & #11: Anatomy Lab Midterm

Hell Week is officially over.  OVER!!!

Today was our anatomy lab midterm.  I had done very well on the lab quiz, but the anatomy lab midterm was a whole new beast.  A cumulative beast. So every origin, insertion, innervation, function (OINF) you memorized before just comes back to haunt you later.  And that’s only part of it.  It doesn’t do you any good to know the OINFs of a muscle if you don’t know what muscle you’re looking at, or if you’re looking at a landmark on a bone and you don’t know what muscle inserts there.

I might have mentioned this before, but in undergrad all you pretty much have to do is identify things and give their function.  And if you identify something wrong, but you give the correct function of the muscle you listed, you’d get a point.  So if worse came to worse and you couldn’t identify the structure, all you had to do was call it a muscle you knew the functions of and you’d get partial credit.

PT school isn’t like that.  They don’t simply point to a structure and ask you to identify it.  Well, I mean they do that too, but for the most part it’s much more complex than that.  For instance, you might get to a station with a femur.  Sweet, a femur…easy enough.  Well they aren’t asking for the bone, and they probably aren’t even asking you to identify the bony landmark that the arrow is pointing to. What they are most likely going to ask is…

“Name the muscle that attaches here”

or

“What innervates the muscle that attaches here and give it’s primary segments”

or

“What are the actions of the muscles that attaches here?” 

or

“List all of the other muscles that attach here” 

or

“Where does the muscle that attaches here originate?”

Sooooo just make sure you know everything about…well, everything.

I went into lab on Thursday (xanax free!) to go over cadaver stuff.  Yup, another extra day of cadavers. I didn’t like the idea of going in, but I knew that I had to.  I had hardly seen the leg or foot muscles, and I wanted to review everything before the midterm.

My friends and I got to the lab and started reviewing the face and penis.  Great.  Not exactly what I wanted to warm up with but at least I was getting it over with. I eventually settled into the cadaver lab enough to start focusing on the stuff I needed to know rather than thinking about dead people.

My TA came in and started helping us out with things.  A couple of my friends asked how they flip the cadavers over and my TA said she’d do it so that we could see the cadaver’s back.  I ran out of the room and told them all to come get me when it was over. So I stood in the doorway of dry lab, in my lab coat, like a weirdo, waiting until the cadaver was fully flipped over. I didn’t want to SEE a dead person getting flipped over! Are you kidding me?!?!  Gross.  And it turns out she bear hugged the cadaver and flipped it over.  Thank God I missed it!!!

Three hours later, THREE HOURS LATER, we finally finished up in lab.  I spent three hours with dead people.  THREE!!! Do I deserve a pat on the back or what?! What’s funny is that, by the end of being in lab for 3 hours, you really don’t feel all that freaked out about the bodies. In fact, I stood against a wall, cornered by my friends and the cadaver table as a guy in our class lifted up the foot 2 feet away from my face and started going through all it’s layers….and I didn’t freak out.  What’s even weirder was that when I was later showing another classmate what the layers of the foot were and she was having a hard time moving the right layers out of the way (because I don’t touch anything) I just about yanked the foot out of her hand to show her myself.  I didn’t, but I was really close, and just THINKING about touching a cadaver is a huge accomplishment for me!

I went into the dry lab to study after the wet lab and left by 9:30 pm.  I had been at school for 12 hours. They weren’t lying when they said the building becomes your 2nd home.  I got home and studied until 2 am, got up at 8am and started studying again…16 packets that, when combined, were about an inch or so thick.  

I got to school around 1 pm.  I took a half a xanax then took the second half 30 minutes later.  I didn’t feel that I necessarily needed it, but I didn’t want to take my chances.  The last thing I needed was to freak out about dead bodies while I’m trying to identify things in them.

I started off in the dry lab first.  I picked the station before the palpation station to start.  I wanted to get palpating my teacher over with early so I wouldn’t worry about what cards I was going to draw.  I got lucky. I had to palpate the common fibular nerve and semitendinosus.  The rest of dry lab went well.  I thought it was much easier than the quiz, although I did well on the quiz.  As we finished up in dry lab and got ready to switch to go into wet lab, my professor pulled me aside.  “How have you been doing in wet lab?” she asked, no doubt worried about me since I was a full on mess in wet lab the week before.  “I mean, it’s not my favorite place to be, but I can do it!” I said back.  “Okay, well if you start to feel funny or anything just remember to breathe and just look up at the window.”  I thought it was really nice of her to look out for me.  But I was feeling fine.  I was on a whole pill of xanax and the only reason I had freaked out last week was because of the face.  Since I got the face over with, I was feeling much better.

Wet lab was….hard. Everyone thought it was hard.  Wet lab was much easier for the quiz.  I had gotten over 100%.  Now I wasn’t so sure how I was doing.  How did I spend 3 hours in lab the day before and still not know everything?  It didn’t help that they had marked the worst examples of muscles.  I didn’t freak out though.  Instead, I just focused on answering everything the best I could.  Stressing out wasn’t going to give me the answers.

And thank goodness I kept calm because I must have somehow guessed most of everything right! I got an A!  A 93% to be exact. And the class average was 85%…which is, sadly, kinda low compared to what it’s been on most everything else. I know…gone are the days where the class averages were in the 70’s.

So in 2 days I’ve managed to turn my cadaver experience back around. Last Friday I was crying, again, and this week I was spending 3 hours with the cadavers and apparently kicking butt on the midterm.

It was a perfect ending to Hell Week 🙂

Cadaver Lab #9: Practice Midterm

Dead people on a Sunday…not my idea of fun.

Today we had a practice midterm in lab.  It covered dry lab and wet lab.  I started out in wet lab first (Xanax free!!!- Remember, I’m trying to only take the Xanax for cadaver labs and cadaver tests, not for any of the times I come in for an unscheduled class).

I did okay.  I definitely got the tingliness in my fingers.  I felt light headed.  I felt like I was about to leave a couple of times, but told myself to just stay in the room and that I didn’t have to look at anything….which I still did.  I got through, and that’s all that matters.  And I did it without the help of Xanax.  So if I can do it without it, I can definitely do it with it.  

What I was particularly proud of today was the fact that I didn’t panic over the panic.  I was definitely uncomfortable with being lab and I started having all the symptoms of an attack, but I just got to a point where I told myself, “Well, this is just how it is.  You know you aren’t going to leave here, so just accept the fact that you’re going to feel this way.”  Strange!

Dry lab went well.  There’s a whole lot of old stuff I need to study again since the quiz.

We are officially entering “Hell Week”.  Aside from finals, this seems to be the worst week of the semester.  Physiology quiz Monday, biomechanics midterm Tuesday, anatomy quiz (which might as well be a midterm) Wednesday, physio lab midterm Thursday, and anatomy lab midterm Friday.  

Everyone is pretty freaked out and we all have a lot of studying to do.  We’re all more concerned with anatomy more than anything else, so hopefully we don’t drop the ball with the other classes.  Our class averages have been super high so I anticipate them dropping after this week.  There’s just too much to juggle right now to be a perfectionist at anything.  Fortunately I’ve done well on everything so far so I at least don’t have the added pressure of having to dominate this time around.

My boyfriend just came down with the stomach flu yesterday, and I hung out with him the day before, so I’m praying I can at least get through this week of exams without any problems.  This is NOT the week to miss!  I’m thinking happy healthy thoughts!!!! 🙂

Cadaver Lab #8: “There’s something to be said for pushing through”

I sat down at my computer this morning and looked out my open blinds toward the pool. It was a grey, overcast, stay in bed kind of morning. A man was busy scooping leaves out of the pool.  With my head on my hand and a frown on my face, I watched him continue to scoop the leaves.  “Lucky” I thought to myself.  “That guy gets to go about his day…dead person free”.

I had convinced myself last night that there was no point in worrying about cadaver lab until the morning.  I went to sleep okay but somehow, in the middle of the night, had this horrible realization, mid dream, that I have been looking at dead people all of this time…DEAD PEOPLE.  I gasped as I quickly snapped out of the dream that didn’t even involve dead people and sat straight up in my bed clutching my chest.  Ugh.

So I found myself in a bad mood this morning.  “You can’t avoid it. You know you won’t avoid it.  Just accept that you’re going in…you’re seeing a dead person’s face today.”  I was starting to get annoyed with myself.  I was telling myself the truth, I just didn’t want to deal with it.  Why couldn’t I just be like most other people this Friday morning?  Why couldn’t I just get up and carry on with my day, like that guy scooping leaves, without having to see a cut up dead body? Or at least why couldn’t I be like all of my classmates who walk into the lab like it’s any other day? 

I finally stopped watching the man by the pool and started studying the muscles of the face.  Hey, if I was going to see a face today, I didn’t want to spend EXTRA time trying to figure everything out in the lab. It wasn’t too horrible.  Maybe I could do this after all?

I didn’t have my appointment with my counselor today, so I got to school around 1 pm.  I took my Xanax ( a whole pill…usually I take only a half or if I take a whole I usually wait a while before taking the second half, but this time I took the whole pill at once). “Don’t hide away, there’s something to be said for pushing through…” Brandon Flowers of the Killers sang to me through my stereo as I sat in my car killing time until class.  “True, so true, Brandon” I thought.  

I waited. Tears started welling up in my eyes.  “I just don’t want to do this” I thought.  I gave up trying to fight the tears and just let them do their thing.  Maybe if I got them out now I wouldn’t wind up crying in lab again like I did the first day…probably not.  I felt worn out, beat down, and upset.  I was getting tired with the whole Friday ritual of getting worked up about lab. “Being strong and facing your fears really starts to wear a person down” I considered texting my mom, but decided against it.  It wasn’t going to make anything better.  It was only going to freak her out and the last thing I needed to do was talk about it.  I was already crying, talking was only going to make it worse.  I pulled myself together and left my car.  “Please Xanax, I really need you to calm me down today!” I begged.

I had made up my mind that I was just going to get the cadaver part of the lab over with so I could enjoy my time in the dry lab after.  As soon as our teacher told us to split up, I was out the door and in the little prep room for cadaver lab.  I looked over at my friends, tears in my eyes and whispered, “It’s worse than the first day.  I don’t know why. I just don’t think I can do it today.”  What the hell was happening?  Hadn’t I done this step before?  Hadn’t I gotten over this the first day?  I thought I was done with this…done with the tears, done with the fears, done with the phrase, “I just don’t think I can do this”. Apparently not.

I followed my friends into the lab.  My professor grabbed them and another two students to show them a brain and spinal cord.  She had asked for 4 people, but I knew that I couldn’t do anything in lab without my friends, so I ran over and asked to join.  My professor said that was fine, then, seeing my panicked face, told me to take a deep breath. She started asking us questions on the spinal cord to which I was quick to respond.  I had gone over this stuff in the morning.  I was on a roll, despite the fact that I couldn’t even glance at the brain for more than a half a second.  It made me uneasy, but I did my best to participate.  “I don’t think you can do this…” I said to myself.  But I kept pushing on.

After we were done with the spinal cord and brain, my friends and I walked over to the first body.  Phew.  Only review stuff, no face stuff!  Still, I was so worked up I couldn’t even look at the things I knew.  I started to feel weird, dizzy, lightheaded.  I had to sit down. I felt like I was going to pass out. Really, Xanax…are you doing ANYTHING?! “Just take your time,” I told myself, “you don’t have to look, but you’re going to stay in this classroom the whole time…there’s something to be said for pushing through”.

Once we finished the station I got up and followed my friends over to another.  I could tell I was moving, but it felt like I was underwater. My body felt like it was in slow motion.  Okay Xanax, maybe I was wrong about you.  I was lightheaded, yes, but this was definitely something else.  My body felt odd. Maybe a whole pill of Xanax all at once was a little too much.  

The next station was the back muscles.  I struggled with this one last week but managed to understand it very well today.  At least something was going right.  We went to the next station that consisted of more back muscles.  I was happily naming them as the TA came and said, “Hey guys, want to see an…”  I started to turn at the “hey guys” part of his sentence.  It was too late.  He was holding an eye.  “Oh God!!!” I screamed.  I hate eyes….living or dead.  I think they are creepy.  He showed it to my friends as I hid behind my clipboard. I could hear him explaining what everything was.  “Ew, gross!  I can’t even see it and it’s still disgusting.”  Everyone laughed.  I was starting to feel a bit more like myself.

As we made our way to the pelvic floor station I boldly glanced over at the station that had the cadaver whose face was exposed.  There. I saw it. From a distance….but I saw it! We knocked out the pelvic floor muscles.  They weren’t horrible at all.  I was feeling great.  “Okay,” I said to the TA “let’s just get these face muscles over with!”

It was odd seeing a dead person’s face.  Well, not really their face, but the muscles of their face.  It wasn’t as horrible as I imagined.  It was definitely good that I built my confidence back up in the other parts of the lab before looking at the face.  I was better able to focus on just the muscles of the face rather than the face as a whole.  

Our professor announced that we had a 5 minute break before switching to dry lab.  WAIT!  I didn’t see the penis.  I didn’t want to…but I knew it could come up in the midterm.  So I asked the TA to go over it with me. He got to the last marker and asked us what it was.  “I know this!” I said to him, “I can’t remember it’s name…oh what is it….I know I know this!” “It has a fun name” he said back, “ooh I can totally tell you’re close to getting it.”  I stood back for a second.  I knew I knew this structure from undergrad.  It was one of my favorite words, but, you know, you just don’t go around saying parts of the penis! “EPIDIDYMIS!!!!!!!” I shouted.  Probably a little too loud.  “Wow, you’re really excited about that!” my TA responded.  I was.  Not just about that.  About everything.  I was a full blown nut an hour and a half before that.  I had reacted much worse to this lab than I had the first day.  I had cried AGAIN.  I almost passed out.  I had tingling in my fingers.  I wanted to leave.  But I didn’t.  I stayed in that room.  And I stared my fears right in the face…literally!  There were so many opportunities to get up and walk away.  I could have settled with missing what will probably only be ONE question on the midterm about the face and penis…but I didn’t.  If I hadn’t faced it today, I would have been plagued with fearing it for the rest of the semester.  And now I don’t have to.

There really is something to be said for pushing through. Thanks Killers 🙂

 

“Facing” Cadaver Lab: How I’m Not Too Thrilled About Seeing a Dead Person’s Face

Tomorrow…oh tomorrow.  

I have been dreading tomorrow since I conquered cadaver lab the first day.

Walking into cadaver the first day was scary but I did get through it.  Things, however, aren’t ALL that bad when you’re staring at a muscle….just a muscle.  Oh hey sartorius, you’re just like what you look like in the books!  Sartorius is just a muscle.  A long, flat, fun looking muscle.  That is all it is.  There is nothing about it that screams, “AHHH DEAD BODY!!!”.  If you’ve taken anatomy before, you’re too caught up in seeing how awesome it is in person (ooo, no pun intended…yikes!)  to fully latch onto the thought that what you’re looking at used to be a person’s muscle.

ORIGIN: ASIS

INSERTION: One of three muscles to insert at the pes anserinus

INNERVATION: Femoral n.

FUNCTION: hip abduction, hip flexion, hip external rotation, knee flexion

That’s what you think about when you look at sartorius.  That’s all you really need to be thinking about.

Tomorrow is different.  Everything about tomorrow screams human…screams life…screams death.  It’s everything I’ve been hoping to avoid and one of the things that bothers students the most in the lab.  It’s the thing that’s been covered up this WHOLE time…until tomorrow.

It’s the face.

How do you ignore the fact that you’re looking at a dead body when you’re staring straight at their face?  To be honest, the thought of it terrifies me almost to the point where I don’t think I can go in.  Fortunately, I know that I CAN go in…I’ve done it before…I’ll do it again.  I’ll go into the lab.  I can’t make any promises for how much I’ll see.  Baby steps. 

Oh, and to make matters worse…I have to see a dissected penis.  I mean, really?!?! That’s yet another part of the body that students struggle with.  Whatever.  Killing two birds with one stone tomorrow!  Unfortunately, I have an anatomy lab midterm next Friday so I’m going to find a way to push through.  Don’t know how, but I’ll definitely let you know! 🙂

 

 

Note: I don’t mean to be discouraging.  I’ve noticed a lot of people get directed to my blog based on searches for cadaver lab experiences.  I know if I would have seen this before I faced cadaver lab it would have freaked me out.  That being said, you need to know where I was in order to understand just how far I’ve come.  So this time tomorrow, when I’m writing about how I kicked butt in lab, you can truly understand just how big of a step that is for me.  And, for those of you who really do have a big fear of cadavers, you can see that I have them too! You’re not alone! There are plenty of us out there.  And one of your kind is doing just fine 🙂

Anxiety Tip #7: Be Open

Being open about my anxiety has played a huge role in my rise from rock bottom.  I have told everyone about my panic attacks/phobia of cadavers.  I felt that the more open I was with my classmates and professors, the less embarrassed I’d feel if I were to ever experience an attack.  A lot of time panic attacks are fueled by the fear of what everyone will think if you start freaking out.  I decided to eliminate that fear by just telling everyone that I do have panic attacks so that now instead of having them wonder what is going on, they’ll already know, and I won’t worry about being judged.

For some people, it may be a little uncomfortable coming out with the fact that you panic in situations where most people don’t panic.  I, personally, like to laugh at the fact that I have tendency to freak out. It makes it easier to tell people about it when you’re laughing about it.  Don’t get me wrong, they all know it’s very serious, but it helps that we can all joke about it and it makes the experience seem less scary in my mind.  For instance, when we sat down in class our first day of school, I looked over at my friends and said, “Here’s hoping I don’t freak out!  If you see me bolting for the door with a cloud of dust behind me, you’ll know why!”  We all started laughing. It was nice to acknowledge I was nervous, but it was even better to know that I had people I could talk to about it.

The more open I have been about my panic attacks, the more support I have found.  

My recommendation: You don’t have to go tell the whole world about it, especially if it makes you uncomfortable.  I definitely recommend telling the people who are closest to you though.  It has helped me to talk to my parents, my sister, and my boyfriend about it.  The worst thing is feeling like you’re alone in this battle.  You’re not!  Find somebody, anybody, to talk to!  I don’t care if it’s somebody on the internet…just make sure you have somebody that you can lean on every now and then!

Cadaver Lab #7: “You’re still having a hard time with it???”

I had been a little more anxious for lab this week.  I had been such a badass two weeks ago when I went into lab 3 times in one week but then we had Thursday and Friday off from school last week which meant I didn’t have to set foot in lab at all.  I was so excited that I got a week off of lab.  I definitely deserved it! I was, however, scared that by taking a week off from lab I would revert back to some of my old ways.  And sure enough I kind of did.

My friends and I had talked about going into lab on Thursday to review the muscles of the foot.  We hadn’t really gotten the chance to see them after our quiz and, with our midterm coming up in two weeks, we felt that we needed the review.  I could tell this whole week that I was a little more on edge.   I really didn’t like the idea of going back into lab again, but I knew that I had to.

My friends and I walked back from the main campus to our PT building.  “Oh man, I really hope they decide they don’t want to go into lab today…I’m really not feeling it” I thought to myself.  I really wasn’t feeling it.  And I hadn’t taken my xanax (I was planning to only take it for my actual cadaver lab class or if we were being quizzed or tested on cadavers…but not for going in on my own to study the cadavers).      We went into the dry lab, took pictures of everything and then called it a day.  Phew! Dodged a bullet.  

I wasn’t too pleased with myself.  Although my friends weren’t really up for studying any more, I felt that I could have pushed them more on it and gotten them into the lab.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t want to go. I felt that I had avoided it, and I hate avoiding things.  If you let yourself avoid things, it makes it really hard to stop avoiding them.  “Way to go!” I said to myself as I got in my car.  “Now you’re even more freaked out about tomorrows lab AND you’re behind on your foot muscles.”

Friday morning I got up and saw my counselor.  We decided that instead of coming in once a week, I’d start coming in once a month.  We weren’t really discussing anything major anyway. Just how I had managed to pull myself together and dominate in the first 1/3 of the semester despite all the odds against me.

I left the counseling center and walked to the PT building.  I sat there attempting to study the back muscles while a few people walked up and plopped themselves in the seats around me.  They all started talking.  So much for studying.  At one point something about the cadavers came up.  I made some joke about me hating cadaver lab to which one girl replied, “Oh, you’re still having a hard time with it?” “I mean, I can go handle it” I replied, “but I just really don’t like being in there.”  “Oh you’ll be so surprised in two years when you’re not even bothered by them at all during dissections!” she said back, trying to be encouraging.  “Yea, I don’t know..” I laughed “I’ve only touched one thing in lab, and that was a nerve.  I don’t see myself slicing someone up one day!”  “Well, it’s weird at first,” she replied, “It’s not a normal feeling cutting into a person.  But you’ll get the hang of it.  Besides, your lab partner is going to hate you if you don’t do anything.”  Hey thanks for the encouragement!

After sitting and listening to this girl go on and on and on about everything she knew I was a bit relieved to finally get in lab.  I started off in the dry lab and popped a half a pill of my xanax a half an hour before we made the switch to go into wet lab.  I was still feeling nervous and very hesitant about seeing the bodies.  Maybe it was the fact that we were now focusing on the back?  I didn’t quite know what to expect and I have a tendency to fear the unknown.  It was more likely that we didn’t have lab last week and that the last time I had gone into lab was 2 weeks ago.  I felt that I had gone backwards.  I wasn’t as scared as I was the first day, no, definitely not!  But I felt a whole lot like I did the second day.  Where yea, sure, I’ve done this before and I got through, but I have noooo idea how I’m going to react this time.  

“You’re still having hard time with it?” another girl asked me as I was putting on my lab coat.  What was up with that question?!?! So I, again, replied with that I could handle it although I preferred not to be in the lab.  “It was REALLY gross at first, I thought” she said.  “But then now it’s no big deal! I don’t think it’s weird at all!”  Well yay for you!

I got into the lab and was able to look at the bodies but not super up close.  I started off at the radiology section in order to ease myself in.  Then I moved on to the bodies.  Ugh…this again.  Back muscles suck.  They aren’t as distinguishable as the muscles of the lower extremity which pretty much means you have to sit there and analyze them a little bit longer.  Not fun for a person like myself. 

My professor came in half way through and took us in small groups to go over the muscles.  I felt much better when someone was standing there showing us the muscles and explaining how you can differentiate them from one another.  It did me absolutely no good to look at the book attempting to answer them on my own…it gave me too much time to think about where I was at and what I was doing.

I got through lab but was not too happy.  It wasn’t one of my best lab experiences.  Sure, I didn’t cry.  But I felt pretty uncomfortable in lab the whole time.  I kept watching all the other students walking around and identifying things.  It’s no problem to them.  Why is it so hard for me? Why didn’t I push myself more? Why can’t I let it go?  I had gone in three times two weeks ago.  Could two weeks off really send me backwards?….or did I just assume it would and acted on that assumption? 

So as disappointed as I was, I’m going to look on the bright side.  I did go in.  And I stayed in the lab the whole time.  And I tried to answer all the questions.

Oh, and I saw a spinal cord! How cool is that?! 🙂